::Warning – this is one of those pondering life posts (I know, gag) but I was struck with these thoughts and needed to get them out, so it’s my blog and I will :o)::
Lord, put my feet on the path you’ve chosen for me, and let my heart be content.
(The message this morning on my little desk calendar)
I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin. Even at my smallest in junior/high school at a size 8/10… I still never felt confident like other girls seemed to be. I know that most girls are self conscience but mine was pretty serious. Since I was never truly confident, my lack thereof forced to be the “nice” girl. Now don’t get me wrong, I feel I have a good heart. If I love you or even like you, I will give you 150% of myself and ask nothing in return. However, there is a difference in being nice and being a doormat. Unfortunately, I tended to be the doormat. Since I can remember, my goal in life was to please everyone else. I would never dare stand up for myself. I took ridicule from stupid boys and mean girls, sometimes ridicule can be disguised in ignoring or making someone feel inferior. I don’t know if people realize that the things they say to people, sometimes do not leave them. Sure I’ve forgiven some of the nasty things that I have been done to me, but unfortunately I cannot forget. Am I perfect? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I fell guilty to fitting in with people and I’m sure there were people during school whose feelings I hurt. I hate that. I can’t change it and can only move forward feeling satisfied that I’ve become a more mature person.
I could never be one of those people that said “I don’t care what people think about me” (I’m sure I said it during a vent a million times). The truth of the matter is, I never wanted anyone to NOT like me. I always felt because I was a bigger girl, I already had a strike against me so therefore, I must not have any other strikes. I need to have the best personality to make up for lacking physically.
A lot of people hide their pain with humor. That would be me right here. I’m the funny friend who is ALWAYS cracking a Smart A*s comment. I LOVE to make people laugh. There is something so gratifying in seeing people laugh at the things you say. I’m genuinely a happy person but I don’t think I have ever been able to reach my full happiness potential. This brings me to my current journey, reaching full capacity happiness. I do NOT want people to think I’m ungrateful. I have the best family and friends anyone could ask for, a wonderful husband, an awesome job, and my own home/cars/junk. I should get down and Thank God EVERYDAY for all he has given me. I feel like I owe to myself, my family/hubby/friends, and God to be comfortable in my own skin. God blessed me with this body and it’s no one’s fault but MINE that is in the shape it’s in.
I hope I didn’t make you want to tear your eyeballs out and if you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to listen to my neurotic-ness .
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