I can hear the violins....

::Warning – this is one of those pondering life posts (I know, gag)  but I was struck with these thoughts and needed to get them out,  so it’s my blog and I will :o)::

Lord, put my feet on the path you’ve chosen for me, and let my heart be content.

(The message this morning on my little desk calendar)

I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin.  Even at my smallest in junior/high school at a size 8/10… I still never felt confident like other girls seemed to be.  I know that most girls are self conscience but mine was pretty serious.  Since I was never truly confident, my lack thereof forced to be the “nice” girl.  Now don’t get me wrong, I feel I have a good heart.  If I love you or even like you, I will give you 150% of myself and ask nothing in return.  However, there is a difference in being nice and being a doormat.  Unfortunately, I tended to be the doormat.  Since I can remember, my goal in life was to please everyone else.  I would never dare stand up for myself.  I took ridicule from stupid boys and mean girls, sometimes ridicule can be disguised in ignoring or making someone feel inferior.  I don’t know if people realize that the things they say to people, sometimes do not leave them.  Sure I’ve forgiven some of the nasty things that I have been done to me, but unfortunately I cannot forget.  Am I perfect?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I fell guilty to fitting in with people and I’m sure there were people during school whose feelings I hurt.  I hate that.  I can’t change it and can only move forward feeling satisfied that I’ve become a more mature person. 

I could never be one of those people that said “I don’t care what people think about me” (I’m sure I said it during a vent a million times).  The truth of the matter is, I never wanted anyone to NOT like me.  I always felt because I was a bigger girl, I already had a strike against me so therefore, I must not have any other strikes.  I need to have the best personality to make up for lacking physically.

A lot of people hide their pain with humor.  That would be me right here.  I’m the funny friend who is ALWAYS cracking a Smart A*s comment.  I LOVE to make people laugh.  There is something so gratifying in seeing people laugh at the things you say.  I’m genuinely a happy person but I don’t think I have ever been able to reach my full happiness potential.  This brings me to my current journey, reaching full capacity happiness.  I do NOT want people to think I’m ungrateful.  I have the best family and friends anyone could ask for, a wonderful husband, an awesome job, and my own home/cars/junk.  I should get down and Thank God EVERYDAY for all he has given me.  I feel like I owe to myself, my family/hubby/friends, and God to be comfortable in my own skin.  God blessed me with this body and it’s no one’s fault but MINE that is in the shape it’s in.

I hope I didn’t make you want to tear your eyeballs out and if you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to listen to my neurotic-ness . 

The week from the bottom pits of......

'm still here!  This has been the never-ending week.  From all day meetings, feeling under the weather and non-stop running errands.... i haven't had 2 minutes to myself.  I finally sat down tonight to update my iPhone with the new software.  I thought my phone will be out of commission for at least a hour from what I've heard...you mean a whole hour of no phone calls, texts, e-mails and fb notifications..... after this week that sounds like the angels singing the hallelujah chorus.  This is the perfect time to blog.  It was hard to even commit to this thought, usually during my hour or so of downtime, I like to catch up my reruns on my DVR but not tonight.  I need to blog.  I need to have for a lack of a better phrase, word vomit.

Okay.... let's start with this weeks weigh-in

On Monday; I weighed in with a loss of -1.8 lbs.  Not bad a-t-alll.  That is total of 12 lbs.  I'm proud of that.  I try to be optimistic, but 12 lbs is 12% of the weight I want to lose.  I feel like I'm so far away (sorry I'm a Debbie downer this week).  I pleased that I'm still progressing and haven't gained.......

like I probably will this week...

1. I sinned... I succumbed to the ol' mighty gluttony which is .....Olive Garden.  This past Tuesday was mine and DH's 3rd anniversary.  Our main anniversary present was the weekend before..... 11^th row tickets to see WVU vs. UConn (we won.. thank goodness).  We decided to keep it low key for our actual anniversary but to till have a little treat.  Olive Garden is my guilty please, DH knows this.  It started innocently enough…then the white wine came and said “heyyyy you little lush! You miss me???”  why yes, yes I do!!! 15 ounces later…. O m g.  what have I done??????  The breadstick and ½ is one thing… along with the chicken parm (lunch portion… I’m a lady) but 15 points worth of wine!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Needless to say, I had a slight breakdown but my WW girls gave me some great moral support (thanks girlies!) and I have accepted it.  I have not been working out as well I liked.  My goal of 2 Zumba classes was met with 1 and I did the 30-day Shred twice last week and twice this week… so I’m getting better.  Staying OP has been a little difficult, I’m typically taking 2-3 out of WP a day but  I’m trying very hard.

So there it is, my week.  I’m still here, still fighting the fight.  Thanks for fighting with me :o)

I’ve been MIA and 2nd WW Weekly Weigh-in

I’m still here!  Last week was crazy busy.  I was in all day meetings W-F for work and by the time I got home in the evenings,  I was ready for bed!  I had a couple of OFF days last week.  I’m going to list them itemized so that I will know what my weaknesses are and how I can fix them.  First things first… Weigh in was this morning.

Week # 2: -8lbs

Week #3: -2.2lbs – total loss of 10.2 lbs

I’m good with my progress.  I did fall of the wagon a couple days this week so to still lose 2.2 lbs… I’ll take it.

Monday and Tuesday were okay.

Wednesday – This was our first all-day meeting and lunch was to be provided.  I was in a completely different section of the building where the fridge and microwave I usually use were not readily available.  They ordered pizza to feed the masses, so of course I fed my Ass(es).  I had 1 large slice and 1 small slice.  I calculated the points and listed it in my food journal. Pizza is my WEAKNESS.  I love it, I crave it, I need it.  I am proud of myself.  Before, I probably would have ate 3-4 slices but I didn’t this time.

Thursday – All Day Meeting #2… I was good this day (during the day….) We had a longer lunch break and I headed back to my section of the building and ate my Smart Ones Frozen dinner.  That evening, my husband and I went with my parents to visit a family member in the hospital about 45 minutes away.  We stopped at one of my parent’s favorite place, Steak and Shake.  Off topic for a minute, my mom is a Weight Watchers Success Story.  She lost 80 lbs in high school (back on the old plan, when you had to eat liver lol…) She has been on and off it since then but she is a great size right now.  She knows how to portion herself and what to eat.  Okay back to the gluttony.  My parents had mentioned earlier that day their plans, so I had already calculated what I would be getting.  The single cheeseburger (9.5 points) and a small fry (6.5).  I had plenty in the points left in the day to eat it but I STILL felt guilty.  My mom got a burger and a salad.  Why couldn’t I do that?  I’m not going to dwell but I need to learn to make the healthier choice, not always the tastier one.

Today is a new day and the beginning of week 3.  I’ve decided that it may help me to make small goals each week, so here are my goals for this week:

Attend 2 Zumba classes

Do at least 2 days of workout DVDs at home

Stay OP

Do not drink my WA Points worth of beer on Saturday @ the WVU game.

Thanks guys!